Can You Keep A Secret?

I am sitting here with a sinus infection that is hurting my ear and making me just uncomfortable enough not to be able to sleep, and I am thinking about a secret I have been carrying around for just over 20 years. The secret is that I don't agree with the practice of polygamy. I was nine when I first read the Journal of Discourses, and I still remember the icky sick to my stomach feeling I got as my understanding of the religion I was born into was shaken. I wondered how God could do something like that. I thought about it and then went to my father who told me I wouldn't have to practice it in this life, and that if I were ever asked to I could say no, and be an angel instead. I accepted this offer, as I never thought that I would be getting married (boys had cooties), and I never wanted to leave my parents. When I was a teenager and the disgusting older men who had gotten to a point in their lives that they started to dream and talk about the practice of polygamy would talk about it in church, I again decided that nobility was not found in man, and that I would have no part in ever joining myself with one in marriage. That of course changed, but only as I found a man who is equally repelled by the practice. I know that many of you are thinking "what polygamy by the LDS or Mormon church is no longer practiced, and in the sense that married in the temple couples cohabitate that is true, but spiritual wifery still exists, and the threat-or hope in some-of its return is a never-ending theme within the religion. The concept has never been O.K with me, and I have been told by members (not the head of the church) from time to time, that if I don't accept this practice I will be cut off from the eternities. Well, the problem with this is that for years I allowed myself to try to justify why or how a loving god could do something like this, and it has eaten away at my self-worth, my understanding of a loving and merciful god, and more. To make matters worse I have a very logical brain, and if you do not see the contradictions indicated in Jacob 2 and D&C 132 then you obviously either are not logical, can not read, or you have blinders on. Having blinders on is O.K. I did it for many years, but reading the works of those who have suffered worse offenses and have had the courage to stand up for what they believe in in the hopes of changing things for the better has caused me to lose my fear. And yes, I say fear. It is not pleasant to try to reason an issue that is not reasonable, and even more unpleasant are the accusations that come with the question in the first place, i.e. lack of faith, unrighteousness, lack of understanding. To me it is interesting that the meaning and correctness of other revelations can be discussed and challenged in some form, but that this one is completely off limits, and it seems as though that is because it is wrong according the majority of Doctrine. I know that many members will challenge this notion, but if I were to ask them which of the texts is supposed to be the most accurate you would say the BOM and in that text it is referred to as an abomination, and whats more the ways in which the people were excusing its use in Jacob 2 is viewed as a twisting and failing to comprehend the scriptures when they bring up David and Solomon. Funny then that the excuse for its use given in D&C 132 is David and Solomon. I have and could argue this to a conclusion if there were one person on this earth who would not see it as an affront to their religion, and a lack of faith. If the savior spent hours conversing with the scholars in the temple during his youth, why should we shun conversation. I do not believe his conversations with them focused on the weather or that he did not challenge some of the beliefs or interpretations of those people. Is it wrong to follow that example? After all, if he could ask questions and he had more answers why can't those of us who have questions with fewer answers ask questions of those who are in the know and then challenge the answers? In addition to Jacob 2 many of Young's other prophesies negate the need for it in the first place, as well as other evidence. For example the fact that more boys have been born on this earth than girls from as far back as can be traced and that a a larger percentage die in infancy and childhood. Smith himself taught that this was a result of their exceptional righteousness. Hence a surplus of non-married men in heaven who are worthy. I have studied this topic for twenty years, and not once has anyone come up with an argument that does not have a counter argument. If eternal marriage is the highest covenant we can make the interpretation of the nature and composition of marriage be the most defining teaching of that faith? Would it not be completely necessary for an understanding in this life of the principle of marriage and the order which God has established it? It determines the very nature of god then does it not? A friend who owns an original copy of the D&C shows a very important deletion from it after Brigham led the church to Utah and that is the section 101 that was erased from its contents stating that no man should have but one wife. I know that some would argue that Joseph was just covering for the church or "lying for god" and that would lead me to ask, can you be a prophet of god and lie? If so, how can the statements made in only LDS scripture be true that a prophet can never lead astray? To lie is to lead astray. I have wrestled with this for many years, and it looks as though the struggle will continue for some time. This has caused me to be accused of selfishness in that I do not want to share, but I would point out that two factors exist here against that. The first, is that I found this doctrine appalling and wrong at 9, before I even had a spouse to share, but figured it would never affect me. Second, In sharing that which is most sacred to me it would cease to be what it was and become something else. In effect, this practice would destroy the original institution and condition of marriage and anyone who argues that is denying the suffering of so many women AND MEN who suffered the horrid effects of the practice. I include men because when they are able to not be accountable to their wife and can leave and seek satisfaction elsewhere they cease to grow, and will never understand true intimacy. I know this is a long post, and I am sure that many of the people who read this blog have no idea what I am talking about, but for the few of you who do I would love your thoughts. I just thought that I would state how I feel, and if you need to run away from this blog now I would understand.