The Adventure of Living: 5/16/10

Sometimes being real involves sharing things which we ordinarily would rather ignore or keep to ourselves. Things such as the difficulties we are experiencing, our true feelings about a political campaign or idea, and even owning up to our own weaknesses. One of the things that I have kept from this blog is a sense of realness when it comes to my challenges. I don't want to be a downer, and to tell you the truth you get sick of hearing the poor you's and worse the "what did you do to deserve this?" that Job had to put up with all the while maintaining a sense of gratitude and love for God. Don't get me wrong I grew up with parents who told me that there was nothing you couldn't accomplish if you set your mind to it, and would look at anyone who fell short of middle class America as a criminal (whether they warranted it or not) and so have experienced that myself as a teen. My real life however has been nothing that I thought it would be in my protected and ignorant youth. No one can prepare you for the loss of a child for example. It leaves a sting that never goes away, and while the classic line "time heals all wounds" works for high school crushes its anthem rings empty when faced with real loss. There is faith, but even with a knowledge of the eternal nature of life faith does not erase regret and longing. As a child you may know that after you eat your peas you will get a cookie, but that doesn't make the peas taste any better, and that is my experience with living with grief. My sweetheart has had even more to weep over than me, but he doesn't. He is strong. The strongest man I have ever known, and his strength is a quiet strength that can laugh in adversity and hold his tongue when those around him harangue his character intelligence or actions. I truly love him and count his love as the greatest blessing of my life. He is always making me and my girls laugh, even when it seems like tragedy is striking a hard blow. He has had his own health battles for the past three years, and among the list of worries is a cerebral aneurysm. This has been one of the hardest challenges of my life because he is not only the center of my and my kids life, he is the one that makes it beautiful. Even with this life threatening disability he works as hard as he can and continues to perform service in ways I find unbelievable. He never hesitates to help others, and he has unbelievably blue eyes. My eldest living child has her own battles with severe dyslexia and other learning problems. I fear for her future every day, and pray that she will find the inner strength to overcome them and reach for the stars. There are so many things that I could post about under challenges. I was reading a blog recently that had a continuing theme of "you just can't make this stuff up" and it rang true to me. There have been weeks that every day someone is in the hospital, and then there are other things in addition to the health stress that make life an interesting challenge. It has been a very long series of unfortunate events, but just like the books by Lemony Snicket, through it all there is sanctuary. Whether it is in the kindness of a stranger or the phone call from a dear but out of touch friend we have managed to survive and endure the things we are called to suffer through in this life. Lately though I have wanted more than mere survival. I have been longing for relief from the severity of the trials we face, and have been praying for such. Sometimes I feel selfish for thinking it and other times I feel frustrated that it has not come, but I await deliverance anyhow with wavering faith and wobbly good humor. I have been touched by the number of bloggers out there who have been through similar trials and overcome them, and am grateful that somehow these beautiful writings find there way to my computer screen and I am able to read them. I thank you all for the gift of your insight and allowing me to peek through the windows of your life to uncover great ideas, inspiration, and renewed strength. I didn't intend to be so dramatic in my writing today, but I did want to be real. I don't want to only post the beautiful because the beautiful is only made that way when you have experienced its opposite.